Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. TICK. Yes. I think that’s my biological clock. I’ve found lately I’m spending more and more time thinking about babies and adding one to our family.
At the same time I’m also completely terrified of the same thing. I’m terrified of pregnancy and the morning sickness, the indigestion, the hormones, the surrendering of my entire body to the being inside me. I've been a witness to too many conversations where the appropriate response to the "I'm pregnant" announcement was a pitying and knowing, "Oh. I'm sorry." And then there’s the getting un-pregnant part. Spending too much time thinking about that makes me want to go to the darkest corner of my closet and curl up in the fetal position (ironic?). And supposing I make it through the pregnancy and the delivery, then there’s the reality of taking care of this new little person. What if I completely mess up? I’m good at being an aunt, but I’m also good at giving the kids back to their parents.
Then there’s the logistics of it all. How could we afford a baby? Shouldn’t we pay down more of our debts before we add to the mouths we have to feed? I’ve been astounded as I’ve heard what people around here pay for daycare on a monthly basis. But I don’t want to send my baby to daycare. I want to be home with her (or him). But I can’t not work. Not now. That’s how we have our health insurance that would cover the cost of the pregnancy and the doctors visits for our sweet baby. Not to mention that my working is how we pay for our groceries and rent and just about every other expense we have.
I can’t think of anything else that has so terrified me before. I’ve been nervous or anxious about lots of things, but this is different. This SCARES me. And yet that biological clock is relentless in its constant ticking. (Doesn't this clock have a snooze button?)
10 comments:
What are you--27? You're too young to start feeling old. But as for the family planning, I hope you and Marty are making it a matter of prayer. I think when the time is right you should feel a bit nervous about becoming a parent, but not really downright SCARED.
ps-You really are a great aunt. Thanks.
Sonnet, I love you and for some reason this post is making me think of fun times in journalism class, sitting around chatting! Probably because it makes me want to chat with you! Having a baby IS scary - when Scott and I got married (he was already 30), we were going to wait one year before even trying to have a baby. Our plans didn't work - three months into our marriage, we found out we were having Molly. Scary! But it worked out, of course, and I am so glad that Molly is around. Then, with Aaron - double scary! That wasn't supposed to happen! Molly was only nine months old! I took FOUR pregnancy tests just to make sure! And I prayed! And it all worked out. And when it's time for you guys to have a baby, it will be great. I know I am speaking from a different life experience - I didn't leave a great job or anything, because I was already staying home with Eliza. But daycare isn't the only option. Maybe you could find an individual to keep your baby. I know some sweeet little ladies that do that kind of thing, it's less expensive, and the children get more individual attention, and the mommies tend to have better piece of mind. I'll bet you could find someone like that! Wow, I'm stopping now because I feel like this is the longest comment in America! I just wanted to encourage you - you WILL be a great mom when it comes time for you to start having babies!
Yeah. . . anyone who has a green frog sandbox full of toys in their house (or used to--do you still have it?) and is so much fun to play with, will make a fantastic mom. As for the other stuff--it's amazing the way things seem to work themselves out. Mark and I have found that for some reason, with children, we aren't poorer, but richer and the more kids we have the more our finances seem to work out and the more blessings we seem to receive. Now, we're still squished in our little 1700 sq. ft. home and will be, even with the new additions, and I feel like I hardly ever get to see Mark, between work and kids, and our savings account still reads a big fat zero, but we're happy and we want for nothing and really, I think God is taking care of us, more than we could ever imagine. And I know He'll take care of you guys too, if a baby is what you really want--and that even includes helping you through the barfy bits and the labor and delivery parts and the "now what do we do with it" thought that usually happens after the baby comes out. May you be happy, whatever you decide.
Mark says it was a "turtle" sandbox. And now that I think about it, I think he's right. But you'll still be a fun mom, even if it was a turtle and not a frog sandbox.
Sonnet, like everyone else, I have to tell you that once the decision is made, (or in some cases fait accompli is discovered) things seem to work out.
As for being terrified of the pregnancy/getting un-pregnant part, education/research and preparation are the best ways I know of to overcome that fear. That's what I have personally found to help me most.
But I can also understand the financial hesitation. That part can be really scarey...but you can always make it work.
You will be a great mom, when the time comes!
When Sam was born I was new on the CSA of the AMA. The resident member is a pediatric oncologist in Boston and mentioned as we chatted that he and his wife had decided to never have kids. He talked about how they toast their childlessness when they celebrate anniversaries in Rome, or otherwise spend "baby money" on themselves. Some of his stories were pretty extravagant. I just looked back at my little photo of newborn Sam and thought it was a terrible shame he was so clueless.
The other thing this post has me thinking about is adoption. I'm a big fan. There are lots of reasons to have or not have a baby, but part of me thinks that your biological clock should not be of paramount importance. One of my best friends adopted a baby a year ago and she is absolutely the greatest blessing in their lives. I sometimes think we might just go that route from now on. What do you think, Boss?
Actually, as long as my labor with Sam was, it wasn't that bad (on account of all the drugs, of course). I was pretty worried before hand, though. I went back and forth between thinking newborns were unfathomably tiny and impossibly huge. (Go look at a ruler and see how small 10 cm really is. And then imagine shoving a baby through it. Yep. That's what scared me.) But when it came down to it, it really wasn't that bad. And completely, absolutely worth it.
Still, as Coach points out, adoption does seem like a really good way to go. :)
In summary: don't worry about the ticking. I'm pretty sure it's not a bomb. You'll know when the time is right.
I think in this situation you blow up before the ticking stops, not when it stops.
You can always hang a stork feeder outside your door.
Sometimes you want something so bad but its not God's timing. We are two months short of two years of trying. OK I know ...we aren't trying hard enough or maybe to hard. You name it we have tried or not tried. A baby is a miracle. It will change your whole life. Not many are ready mentally or finacially. You just take each day at a time. You try to be prepared and do your very best. As for being a good parent...well most kids will say their parents goofed at some point. Once you except your human and its ok to mess up here and there. Its how you deal with the mess up that matters. When a baby happens it will be a blessing no matter what!
You'll both be great parents... no worries
Jamie! Welcome to my blog! Thanks for leaving a comment.
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