The other night I went to a baby shower for a friend of mine from church who is expecting her first child. One of the things that we did while at the shower is make an advice book. So we each were given little cards with instructions. On the first card we were to write advice for a new mom. The second was for our favorite baby products (or least favorite). And the third we were to write our favorite things about being a mom.
Everything changed for me when I finished reading the instructions. All of a sudden I felt out of place. It was like that Sesame Street song was playing "One of these things is not like the others...." and I'd just figured out which it was--me. My first reaction was to re-bundle my set of cards and offer them to the next person who arrived.
After a few minutes I decided to adapt the cards for me. And I told myself not to be so sensitive.
Later in the night a little quip someone had written about changes after becoming a mother was being passed around for everyone to enjoy. As it approached me someone said, "Oh, better not let Peanut read it, or she'll never want to have kids."
And there I was, again. Odd woman out.
Here it is, days later, and it still bothers me to think about it. Part of what bothers me is that I feel more connected to this Relief Society and these women than I have with any other ward I've been in--even my single student wards. Now there's this part in the back of my mind that wonders if I've just been fooling myself, and I'm not as connected to these women as I thought I was. How could I be? I don't have kids.
10 comments:
I wouldn't say your NOT connected to these women. I think you just don't have that particular item in common with them yet. Your friend who is having her first child would have been in your same boat attending a baby shower last year. I think when we get in groups, people's mentality shifts to majority rules. I don't think any of them would have intentionally hurt your feelings, they just asked questions they felt the majority would be able to answer. Each of us has things that make us different, things that make us stand out. (My sister is adopted for example, she can't tell you how much she weighed at birth, her health history, or if she looks like a family member.) And sometimes we can't all answer the same questions, but we can still maintain those friendships and have empathy for others who might be the different one in another circumstance.
I know what you mean. ..... I've been sitting here trying to decide what to say next b/c I as I think about it, I have a lot I could say, but I don't want to write a blog as a comment. So I'll say that I love you and some people are just dumb and don't think about what they say before they say it, especially when they are trying to be funny. You aren't wrong in feeling hurt, but don't let one person's stupid comment make you feel like the connections you have aren't real. They are real and the people who you are connected to would never want to hurt you. Plus, clubs are dumb and your not.
Each of us at some point in time will be the one who is not like the others. So, while I can't speak to your specific situation, I HAVE felt hurt and embarrassed among my RS sisters before. Moments after a spiritual thought about unity and friendship, a sister singled me out. It was all in jest of course--but that never lessens the sting. I wanted leave the room crying. But I didn't. I just told myself I was being too sensitive...for about six months. It took me that long to realize that I had to do something to change my feelings. After studying and praying, I finally went to that sister and told her about my feelings. She offered a heart-felt apology, and expressed her love. As a result, my pain and hurt were alleviated, and I felt more connected than ever.
Oh Peanut! I'm sitting here crying my eyes out for you! I love you!!! Ditto ditto ditto to everything that has been said by these amazing relatives we have! I know that if those sisters knew how you felt, they would feel just awful for causing you discomfort and hurt.
I don't know that there is anything I can say to help, other than I love you and so does your Heavenly Father. Can I be in your club?
OK for the male point of veiw, although I don't know if it is very different. Having got married at 32 I felt left out of the club too. It's funny, but that is the exact way I discribed the feeling too. When I got finally got married I thought that the feeling would lessen, it did, but was soon taken place by the lack of children in our life. My wife and I discussed this several times while we struggled to get pregnant. Although we loved to hang out with our friends that had children, we often felt like we were being left behind. Sometimes seemingly inocent comments made by others stung to the core. I cannot help, but think of Hellen Beth and her strength to not be able to have children. I never thought of her strength until I bore (for a short time) a similar cross. I don't have any magic words to fix it all but I can empathize with you situation having suffered through similar feelings. Even no that we have babies there are still moments that both my wife and I feel not quite a part of the club. I don't know if the feeling will ever pass. I suppose I will not ever feel totally part of ever club. Here are some I don't feel part of:
parents with toddlers
parents with teenagers
parents with married children
grandparents
Just to name a few. However, I know I am part of God's club, and I try to make that enough. I love you and you can always be part of my club.
I have been there before- I was at a baby shower, a wife with no kid and my hormones were out of wack (to say the least). A sister said something that made me want to cry and I had to get up, go to the bathroom, count to ten-slowly- and tell myself not to cry(about ten times too) because then there would be a lot of questions and I would cry harder. I hadn't found out that much earlier that I couldn't have children, so that added to the mix. I prayed in the bathroom too and that helped. She didn't understand what she was saying. That experience along with several others on our infertile journey helped me to be careful what I say because you never know people's story. Hard lesson, but a good one.
Wow, don't we have agreat family? What better club could you have? I'm sure the RS sisters didn't really mean to hurt you, but I know it still hurts. I love you!
Wow! Thank you for all the great comments. You guys are awesome. Also, I thought I'd share what I ended up putting down as my favorite baby products: Aunts and Uncles.
LOL! Peanut you are awesome!
I know how you feel. I've been there many times myself and still am. Words hurt but how respond shows our Character. You are loved. Don't cut your friends short, sometimes people say things and do not think. I do not think for one minute they would hurt you intentionally. Even wanting children doesn't bring them. The man upstairs is incharge. He knows what's best for us. Even though we may want another answer. Keep smiling, keep loving, and trusting. That's one of the cool things about life. We all have our own story to share. Not right or wrong its just yours
love you
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