I have a confession: lately I've been wanting to quit church. Just stop going for awhile. Not forever. Just awhile. It's not that I'm losing my faith. It's that I'm tired. Tired of not fitting in to the social system of the Church. Tired of going to church, week after week, by myself. Just tired.
I don't actually plan on dropping out of church, but I think about it a little bit. And truthfully, I'm glad that our church meetings have recently changed from starting at 9:30 am to starting at 1:00 pm. It makes it a little more difficult to justify not waking up in time for all of church because I didn't sleep well the night before.
Yesterday I thought I was doing pretty well. All I had left was Sacrament meeting. I entered the chapel and selected a spot to sit--not on a row by myself, but not with anyone either. My lone island. The previous meetings had been good, and I was looking forward to this worship service.
I was approached by an older gentleman in the ward. A man who loaned us a bed when Marty and I moved here with only what fit with us in the car.
Him: I hear you're moving soon. Can I get that bed back?
Ugh. This is a conversation that I never wanted to have. And I thought I'd taken care of it a year ago--I'd mentioned the situation to my bishop who assured me he'd talk to this gentleman and I didn't have to worry about it. But here I was--forced into the conversation that I'd hoped never to have, just moments before the start of Sacrament meeting.
Me: Well, last year my husband...
Him: Yeah. I knew about that.
Me: Well, the bed's gone. I'll have to get you a new one.
Him: Nah, that's ok. But the box spring--Can I get that back?
Me: No. I'll have to replace it all for you.
Him: Oh. No, you don't have to do that.
He walked away to his own pew.
And I sat. Stunned. Frustrated. Surprised at the sudden rush and intensity of emotions that the conversation had stirred up. Pushing back memories. Images. Uncomfortable at the needing to have the conversation in the first place but also at the time and place of it. No longer focused for worship. Absolutely no longer ready for an hour of sacrament meeting. I gathered my stuff and went to the foyer. I tried to make it out before the tears came, but I didn't quite make it.
I was joined in the foyer by a couple of very nice and lovely women who wanted to help. And eventually I was coaxed into trying to explain what was wrong to one of them. But she didn't really understand how the sketch of events I'd told her had reduced me to a ball of tears. And the words that she was trying to comfort me with were only aggravating me more. I finally got up and left. Out of the building, to my car, home.
Maybe I shouldn't have worked so hard to stay in the same ward when we move. It'd make it easier to drop out of church for awhile.
9 comments:
A few days ago Mark mentioned that he sometimes thought about not going to church anymore. Mostly cause we've had some recent drama at church too. Anyway I patted his shoulder and told him that he still had to go. And then all day the next day I kept wondering if we really had to keep going to church and if he'd be mad if I went inactive first. Sorry church is hard right now but we love you. Maybe we could have church at our house and you could come here. Mark says we could conference you in over the phone or we could watch the Mouths of Babes movie for our lesson. Wanna come?
First of all, Peanut, I am impressed with how you express your feelings. Personally, I have been bottling mine up. But the truth is I, too, have been feeling out of place at church lately; ever since our ward split. And if it weren't for our mtg. time moving from 9 to 11, I could have easily slept in and missed it. Especially bc my children have also been dragging their feet about going to our new ward. I've been going through the motions, and it has gotten a little easier, (ie, I no longer feel a lump in my throat every Sunday), but I still feel awkward. I do, however, still enjoy feeling the spirit in Sacrament meeting. I hope things get better for you, too. I know it's hard, but please don't give up. Love you, sis.
Oh sweet Peanut! I'm so sorry! Let's all go to Mark's & Shana's conference church for a few weeks. I especially like the idea of watching "Mouths of Babes," cause as your story illustrates, stuff that comes out of the mouths of adults is too often stupid and insensitive. Ridiculously so. Would it be overreacting for me to send him a new mattress rigged with explosives?
I love you!
Hey Peanut,
I know you told me all about this on the phone. I'll love you whether or not you go to church, but I would try talking to one of the ladies you are close too -- like your Relief Society President. If you're feeling this way, I'm sure you're not the only one... I know that sounds cliche, but it's usually true.
Besides, you can't go inactive now with the LDS church talking to me through my radio! :)
Miss you-
Crazy Horse Lady
Peanut - I am so sorry that your ward has stupid people! But please remember you don't want to lose your exaltation because of stupid people! The doctrine is true, the doctrine is perfect - people aren't! We must endure! Don't lose hope and pray for strength. I'll pray for you too!
Let me tell you a story about when I was a teenager. I noticed that the “W” family had stopped coming to church. This was quite unusual because they had been very active in the past. I asked my mother why they did not come to church any more. She explained that someone had said something they didn’t like so they decided not to come any more. I remember pondering about this situation. I then decided it is silly to let someone else determine your activity in the church and your eternal salvation. One should make that decision themselves and not turn it over to someone else to make. I then made a promise to myself that I would always be active in the church. Nephi talks about enduring to the end: “Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.” (2 Nephi 31:20) Other people do not exactly understand our situation and feelings, and thus, may inadvertently say and do things which can be hurtful. Few people intentionally try to hurt others. Remember, my dear one, to put into practice every element listed in verse 20, and you will be happy and have eternal life. Love, Daddy-A.
Knock, knock, knock. I just felt like you needed a good hug and a cry when I read your post.
I like the idea of conference church at Mark & Shana's for a few weeks. I remember feeling very out of place in young single adult wards for a long time. I do know that I was much happier when I went than when I didn't. (Yes there many times I didn't go.) I also know, now, that a large portion of my discomfort was due to my own social phobia. *shrug* I guess the bottom line is We love you. Marty loves you. Your Heavenly Father and older Brother love you. Hopefully keeping that in mind can displace the careless or insensitive comments of others.
Knock, knock. knock.
Oh, Peanut, I am so sorry! It is so hard when people we think should understand not only don't, but make the situation worse!
We love you!
I kind of like that exploding mattress idea of Boss'...can I go in on it too?
I hope things get better for you
For reasons that I cannot explain here, church is sometimes very hard for me too.
For reasons that I CAN explain here, church is sometimes hard. Sometimes I wonder what is the use when I spend the whole time wrestling with children and don't feel so uplifted. but when I have asked God to teach me through my experiences, I have always learned something of His love and teachings, even WHILE wrestling children.
I know your trials of church attendance are different than mine, but please trust I can understand what you feel.
I will love you whether you go to church or not. I know you will miss out if you stop going, but you need to make your own choices that are best for you. You are such a cool lady and we love you so much.
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